Listening to old songs and unearthing old memories.

As I’m writing this sentence, I’m listening to Ang Bandang Shirley’s Nakauwi Na.

As I listen to this, I remember my commutes back when we still had summer sem in college. The feeling attached to it is mostly melancholic, as I was alone during these months, back in 2013.

I also am a bit surprised that I don’t have a particular “crush” associated with this song. Usually I have one. But for this song, it’s just… the feeling.

I guess during that time, even though I had crushes, and I was going through certain things, I never really got attached to anyone yet. I was just going through the motions, letting life take me wherever.

Even though the song talks about coming home, the song makes me think more of exploration.

Now Di Na Babalik by the same band is playing. This was also one of the songs I kept listening to during those, shall I say, lonely times. It’s still the same though—instead of having a person’s face appear when I listen to this intently, I get more enveloped in a feeling. Again, a melancholic feeling.

These were the days when I was on my own, when I’d take advantage of moments as they came. These songs remind me of those little memory snippets saved in my mind.

I had the urge to share these thoughts as soon as I started playing music. But now I’ll go back to what I was doing.

Thanks for reading!

Chi :)

Time to actually get started on things.

I told myself that by 2017, I’ll start pushing myself a bit more to actually work on the projects I have in mind. Most of which were things I wanted to do back in 2016, but I think the real reason why I didn’t really start them was because I was lazy. I’d reason out that it’s because I have too much work or my emotions are getting the better of me—but to be honest I want to have that checked out also—but I know it’s also because I was just… not moving. I only liked the idea that I worked on it, but never really wanted to start.

But now I do. And it feels kind of “forced” because “It’s the New Year, new year, new things to do! I can do this” etc etc. But despite that thought at the back of my mind, I’ll just do it. Whatever happens. And even if I don’t start as soon as possible, I’ll just keep a mental note all the time… I have to do this. I have to at least try.

I guess if I do make up some New Year’s Resolution for 2017, it’s to at least try to finish a project. I know I can start on them, that’s easy for me. But to finish a personal project? That rarely happens.

That’s my challenge for myself this year. And for the years to come if I don’t manage to get it done this year.

That’s all for now. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Plans for December + New Phone!

First off, I was planning on doing what was done in this Medium article every day this month, but because of work, I might have to just reduce that to “do something like this when you have the time. Do at least 10 of these.” Plus, I don’t have a sketchpad ready for these kinds of things—I’d rather not mix these with my personal sketches—so there’s that, too.

Either way, I’ll post them here when I have the time, and I will set some time aside for it. I want to see what I can create by doing this method of “seeing”. :)

Another update for me is that I got a new phone last Tuesday! It’s a OnePlus 3. I got it from KimstorePH. :D

Hello, new phone! 😄 #OnePlus3 #NeverSettle I’ll take care of you from now on. 😊 pic.twitter.com/dSXHmkIMTa

— Chi Señires (@ChiSenires) November 29, 2016

The experience has been great so far! Although this is coming from someone who owned an O+ 8.91 for around 4 years, maybe? (Wow, it’s been that long?) It’s refreshing to use a new phone, and one that I think will last long with me. ^_^ I hope I can create some apps by testing it with this phone.

I just wanted to share a bit of my life here again. I normally do that online via Twitter, but there’s a different feeling when you write things down in a semi-orderly manner. Hehe. I also want to keep updating this blog of mine, for I think it’s good practice when it comes to forming coherent sentences and getting points across. I know I need to hone those skills.

That’s it for now. Until next time! Hopefully I post some kind of sketch or update :)

Answering my own question

I have been feeling more scared over things I have little to no control over. All these what-ifs clouding my mind with scenes that rarely happen. What if this makes you angry? What if I don’t get in? What if I become like them? What if I’m not good enough?

I keep trying to tell myself, I keep trying to tell myself that I am. I am good enough. I can do it. It’s okay. There’s always next time. There’s always tomorrow. It can be fixed. It’s no big deal.

Why don’t these thoughts win? Have I forgotten what it’s like to be okay lately? Have I forgotten how to love myself? Have I forgotten my capabilities? Have I forgotten who I really am?

Why do I keep defining myself with negativity? Why can’t I just let myself win? Why do I feel weak on the first assumption made up in my mind?

I have reflected in the past and I’ve usually attributed this to the fact that I care too much. I care too much about what other people think. I care too much about how it affects the people around me, the people close to me.

Why is it so hard to not care? I honestly don’t understand how difficult that is for me. I don’t understand why it’s hard for me to just leave things be.

But it’s tiring. It’s tiring. I want to breathe, I want to take a break. I can only do that when I’m not thinking. But I can’t not-think forever.

Maybe this just another surge of emotion. Maybe it’s just been a bad day. Maybe I need to go out more.

Maybe, I just need to stop.

And that’s the answer.

Reflections: Insecurities

I wrote this earlier in my notebook:

I felt really insecure lately. It’s getting to my nerves. Maybe I just need to go out more and interact with people. Get myself out there. Be criticized and build upon them.

I realized that while I was out earlier with friends and other strangers (I was at a UXPH meetup—more on that soon). The whole time I was at there, I kept worrying about how I’d approach and talk to people. I’ve been consciously checking how I interact with people lately, and it’s starting to bother me because it’s getting in the way of how I converse and simply interact with people.

Is it that hard to just ask someone a question? Is it that hard to talk to another person?

A part of me will say yes, it is hard to interact with other people, because there are a lot of factors to consider: am I asking the right question? Is the question too stupid, too simple? Am I addressing them properly? Am I coming off as too nosy? The list of questions goes on and on.

But on the other hand, I’m also aware that I’m the only one limiting myself if I continually stop myself because I have to consider all those factors. There’s nothing bad with asking a question, and even if I thought about it and I still deemed it as a “stupid” question, maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.

I know that I shouldn’t care too much about what others think, because they probably don’t care in the first place, or I’m overthinking it. I just need to keep pulling myself together, especially during the times when I get broken down, either by my experiences or by my own thoughts.

By writing this post, I am looking forward to a better day. I can create that day for myself, too. I’ll do my best to take the opportunities as I see them, and I won’t let insecurities bring me down. I just have to believe in myself—everyone else will say that, so why shouldn’t I do that, too?

The origin of the username

I’m just leaving this here because some people may wonder what the username chiawase means.

Simply put, it’s a play on two words: my nickname and the Japanese word for happiness—shiawase (しあわせ).

And it even has an origin story! :)

Kausap

Natawa lang ako sa situation nung person. Haha. Enjoy :)

—

Hindi ka na nagreply.
Hindi mo na ako pinansin.
Kakausapin ko na lang ang ere
Pero wala rin namang sasagot sakin
Diba?

.
.
.

Sa malayo naman, kung may mamansin
Mukha lang naman akong kumakanta
Pero sa totoo lang, kausap kita
… sa isip ko nga lang.

050415;;

There are times when I want to end my days early—

—so I can spend more time with you.

But then, what else is there to do?

Words may take you so far,

but silence is a whole new level.

There’s only so much you can say with nothing.

caught in-between

caught in-between
two paths —
once intertwined
now extricated;

both looking
for the same light,
both searching
throughout the night.

by day, they say
they’re never the same
in the end, they create
all this disarray.

one path leads to
the unknown new,
and the other continues —
a little askew?

time will tell
what happens when
they interlock
all over again

or maybe not,
it has yet to come —
two paths untwined
in a steady recline.

the problem

the problem about writing
your feelings: letting them ooze out
from the text you’re reading
is that the hurt keeps coming back
after you read them;
instead of photographs,
you left shards of glass
and now, you’re stepping
on them, one by one.

(don’t do this to yourself. you don’t need this right now.)