#inktober2016, art, random

I’m participating in InkTober!

And I don’t plan on becoming lazy for this!¬†I¬†told myself that I wouldn’t back out. I think it’s also a good thing, since at least I’ll have a “break” from work, and I’ll be doing this.

I also found out today that they have an official website for it. Very cool.

I plan on posting my¬†works on my Twitter‚ÄĒyou can find me as @_ChiAwase, that’s my¬†personal, non-work account‚ÄĒand here. I want to keep this blogging habit alive, and¬†since I did want to do this already before on Tumblr (but I didn’t keep the habit), I’ll just move it here so everything’s sorta in one place.

Here’s a list of prompts (so that I remember them also hehe):

319c74ab8d74a39e-2016promptlist

Alright. #InkTober2016 here I come.

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poems, random

disoriented‚ÄĒ

that’s what you are.
waking up with the stars,
you think time has gone far‚ÄĒ
comprehension went out
and said, “au revoir,”
leaving you alone
at an ungodly hour

disoriented‚ÄĒ
that’s what we¬†become
when you press to call
just to get some
food¬†that’s already out
ready, you only need to come
outside,¬†it’s ready
yet you don’t, and become glum

disoriented‚ÄĒ
that’s what these phrases
have become, trying to
come to its senses
there really is no point in saying
all these sentences
it’s only a matter of time
before it ends

 

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poems, random

boys don’t cry

but i’m not a boy
and i do cry
and i did cry
over the simple things
you wouldn’t even believe why

and how i
really ruin a great day
a great night
a nice drive
all green lights
a smooth ride
and yet why
do i always
ruin it
i won’t

anymore
i don’t want to
anymore
i don’t want to
ruin your
things, for
i know
i do

the worth of
keeping things
in place
where one thing goes
in a space
how things should be
in many ways
i know
i do

boys don’t cry
i’ve already said i’m sorry
but i know
that doesn’t change anything

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poems, random

right to left

maybe some things are better
left unsaid:
the issue that counts as unneeded stress,
the discomfort felt by not being blessed,
the feelings developed that went nowhere,
the anger that makes one glare;

maybe some things are better
left alone:
instead of meddling with the matters of others,
let them deal with it on their own.
instead of always getting tired being with others,
let your self rest by being alone.

maybe some things are better
right where they are.

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personal, random, thoughts

Association

There are days when I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror.¬†I don’t see any worth. I see only a reflection of what is.

During those moments, I am most vulnerable. I feel the most vulnerable.

During those moments, I succumb to the darkness. I wish for isolation. To be only with myself, to not be around anyone else.

During those moments, I would instead think of the people who were around me. I would imagine them in my mind, and that would be enough sometimes.

During those moments, I am by myself. But I am not alone. I don’t feel alone. I have them in my mind.

That is probably why I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. It reminds me¬†that I am only with myself, and no one else. That no matter how many people I think of, the truth still remains:

I am alone.

But I need to accept that. Being alone isn’t¬†bad. Being alone is simply being by myself.

There is nothing more to it. There shouldn’t be any more to it.

The only reason things become bad is when I myself attach those kinds of emotions to them. The only reason why being alone feels so bad is because I long for the company of others, yet I also want to be my true self in front of them.

I do not want to act around them. I do not want to have to hide anything. I want to be me. And I want to do all the things I want to do.

That may be selfish of me, which is probably why I will still be alone. Maybe for a few more years.

And maybe being alone will still make me feel bad,

until I learn to accept otherwise.

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poems, random

appetite

is a
space
that is
growing
inside my
self; a hunger
for a certain kind
of attention, a particular
familiar sensation, longing
for that comfort you let me feel;
continuously searching, continuously
growing impatient of waiting; the want
for your love, for more of your love, grows
deep inside my brittle core, clawing the walls
of my sanctuary,¬†i fear it’s getting unhealthy to
always have this craving, this desire for your warmth
your touch, your entire being, deep inside my own soul;
no need to look elsewhere, i know i will find what i
am looking for, what i have always needed and
wanted, i can and will find it in you, it has
always been the case, i have the power
to choose

you

and i have the power to wait.

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personal, random, tagalog, thoughts

Thoughts while commuting.

This is just a collection of some¬†recurring thoughts I’ve had¬†while¬†commuting.¬†If I feel like it, I may update this as¬†more thoughts come. Most of them will¬†be in Filipino, my native language.¬†Some may also be a mix of English and Filipino, and some may contain (excessive) profanities and vulgarity. You have been warned.

Note: I’ve added English translations to the ones¬†written in Filipino for everyone’s benefit. If ever you read¬†a phrase/sentence that doesn’t quite match my translation, please let me know and I’ll check it out. :) I’m not a master translator of my own language, but I¬†try my best to get it as accurate as possible.

“I need to be ready. I need to always be ready.¬†Malay ko ba kung may gago na mapagtripan lang ako. (I wouldn’t know if some asshole¬†would just mess around¬†with me.)”

Kailangan¬†handa yung kamay ko sa pindutan ng payong ko, para kung may¬†sumubok na nakawan ako o tsansingan, tamaan agad yung gago.”¬†(I need to have my hand ready to push the button on my umbrella, so that if anyone ever tries to rob me or cop a feel, the bastard¬†will be hit immediately.)

“…¬†Okay, my phone, my shitty phone is still in my pocket.”

Siguro mukha akong bagong commuter minsan. Yung bag ko nga, nasa likod ko pa. Hindi naman siguro halata na¬†maraming laman ‘to.”¬†(I probably look like a new commuter sometimes. Even my bag’s on my back. Probably not obvious that this has a lot of things inside.)

Subukan nilang nakawin bag ko, puta sipain ko mukha. Subukan din nilang tumakbo, mabigat ‘to mga gago. Haha!” (They just try to steal my bag, I’ll fucking kick their face. Then if they try to run, this is heavy, you bastards. Haha!)

Sana walang mangyaring masama habang nasa biyahe.” (I hope nothing bad happens¬†while on the trip.)

Pwede kaya akong nakasabit sa likod ng jeep? Gusto ko gawin yun, kaso alam ko bawal yun in general eh.” (I wonder if I can hang at the back of a jeep? I want to do that, but I know it’s not allowed in general.)

Gago naman yung kotse na yun, kita na ngang¬†nasa tamang lane yung jeep/traysikel, pinilit pang sumiksik. Tapos sila¬†maiinis pag sila nasiksikan? Mga puta.” (That car was an asshole, the jeep/tricycle was on the right lane, and it¬†forced itself into it. Then they’ll get annoyed when they’re the ones being jammed into? The fuckers.)

“I hope I don’t get late.”

“Okay na ‘to, at least may exercise ako sa umaga. Lakad-lakad din.” (This is okay, at least I get exercise in the morning. More walking.)

“Sorry, kuya, di kita mabigyan ng¬†donation.¬†Kahit alam ko pwede ka siguro makabili ng pagkain gamit nito, marami pa rin kasing gago sa mundo. Sana¬†nakadala ako pagkain, nabigyan kita sana.” (Sorry I can’t give you a donation. Even though I know that you might be able to buy food¬†with this money, there are still a lot of assholes in the world. I wish I brought food, I would’ve given you some.)

Saan kaya nakatira si kuya¬†bulag na palaging nasa overpass? Paano kaya siya nabubuhay pa rin?” (I wonder where you live, Mr. Blind Man who’s always at the overpass? I wonder how you still continue to live?)

Magmumukha na lang muna akong first-time commuter. Di ko alam magkano babayarin ko para makapunta dun, eh. Haha.” (I’ll just¬†try to look like a first-time commuter. I don’t know how much I need to pay in order to get there. Haha.)

Ah, puta. Maling sapatos nasuot ko ngayon. Basa na tuloy paa ko hanggang mamaya.” (Ah, fuck. I wore the wrong shoes today. Now¬†my feet’s gonna be¬†wet until later.)

Kung may sumubok man hawakan dibdib ko, putangina¬†hahablutin ko yung titi nung gago tapos subukang durugin. Kung magreklamo siyang masakit, eh sabihan ko kaya, ‘Eh tangina mo¬†ako hahawakan mo¬†ginusto ko ba?! Eh ikaw, hinawakan kita, di mo gusto diba? Putangina mo pala eh.’” (If anyone would even try to cop a feel, son-of-a-bitch I’m gonna grab the bastard’s dick and try to crush it. If he complains about the pain, I’ll tell him, ‘You son of a bitch,¬†did I want to get touched by you?! You didn’t like being touched by me, right? Fuck you.)

Ano kaya mas magandang gawin? Titigan ang mga gago na titingin din, o wag na lang pansinin?¬†Ano ibigsabihin kung¬†pinansin mo sila…” (I wonder what’s better to do? Look at the assholes looking at me straight in the eye, or don’t notice them? What does it mean if I notice them…)

Uy, may bagong graffiti.” (Hey, there’s new graffiti.)

Shet, ang ganda naman ng makeup ni teh. Wing pa more.” (Shit,¬†girl’s makeup is so nice.¬†Slay that wing(ed eyeliner).)

Gusto ko magsuot ng skirt minsan, o ng short, pero natatakot pa rin ako kasi malaki pata ko tapos mga hilig usually ng lalaki¬†dito eh legs… Tangina ano ba meron sa legs? O sa pwet? Ano maganda dun? Di ko gets bakit may mga may hilig sa legs.” (Sometimes, I want to wear a skirt or¬†shorts, but I’m¬†still scared because my thighs are big and the thing most guys like here are legs…¬†What the fuck is up with legs? Or with the butt? What’s so great about that? I don’t get why some people like legs so much.)

Shet. Ang inet. Wala akong dalang pamunas.” (Ugh, it’s so hot. I¬†didn’t get to bring a towel.)

Kelan¬†ko kaya mafefeel na pwede na ako magsuot ng sleeveless tas ‘di kakabahan o maiinsecure?” (I wonder when I’ll¬†be able to wear¬†sleeveless and not feel nervous or insecure?)

And more to come as the days go by.

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