personal, thoughts

Yesterday, I may have had a panic attack at work.

And it wasn’t because of the workload. No, the workload—so far—is actually pretty manageable.

What got to me was my own negative thoughts.

And it affected me in a way that was not unfamiliar, but was something I didn’t think I’d experience this early at my new job.


I started working in the industry just this month, and so far things have been pretty normal.

I figured things would become overwhelming when I’ve a lot of things on my plate. I am also aware that that’s normal, that there are days when we really just get overwhelmed with everything to the point that we need to take a breather.

I’m aware of that. I have been since my first job. (Context: I’m currently at my second job.)

At my first job

I’ve had my fair share of times when I felt overwhelmed with all the things I had to do. I would take a break from work, then slowly ease into it again. Life goes on as normal.

During these times, I would occasionally get so overwhelmed that my body starts acting up.

I drink at least one cup of coffee at work, so it might have been a case of the jitters. If I feel like they keep happening over the course of a few days, I take a break from coffee drinking and just let my body get the energy somewhere else.

I learned to appreciate those breaks over time, because it gives the real me time to catch up to the me that I have in my mind who has finished all the work already.

I understand that it can get pretty overwhelming when swamped with work. I get that we are simply human, and it’s normal to feel this way.

What I don’t get, though, is when I get so worked up even though I don’t have a lot of things to do. When I could really take my time with my work.

It may be because I’m used to the fact that I have a lot of things I need to do for a day, and now I can afford to chill. And since I have all this time with me, my mind tries to fills those “gaps” with lots of menial things that people usually don’t care about.

It has become of a bother now, and especially so after the incident yesterday.

A rundown on what happened

To keep the story short, I felt like I was caught in the middle of a few people, and I subconsciously didn’t want to disappoint all of them. One wanted to ask for more leeway on changes that could be made to this thing we’re working on, the other one doesn’t want that and wants everything to be final, and our lead just says it’s fine to be a bit lenient over these things.

Okay, I thought, I understand. I wanted to follow the instructions to the letter, but I get that not everything will go right the first time. I understood and accepted that I can relax a bit on this issue, and that there’s nothing to worry about anymore.

But then I started thinking about how to tell all of them. I needed to talk to them about it. Confront them.

I have huge anxiety issues with sending emails. And I needed to send an email to just update everyone on what will be done on the matter at hand. I’ve done this lots of times before, and this was relatively easy.

While I was thinking of what to write, I started worrying about things that could happen in the span of a week. I don’t remember what I thought, but I remember how my body reacted while this was happening.

Mind vs body

I felt my hands becoming slightly jittery, and though I knew I drank coffee that morning, it didn’t seem like what I would feel from coffee. There’s a slight difference when I’m jittery or shaky because I’m panicking, and when I’m just having a coffee rush.

My head also started to hurt a bit. My eyes felt like they were popping out of my head. I also felt like crying on the spot. My breathing was slightly faster. I wanted to hide under the floor of our office space. I wanted to dig a grave on the cement floor and just envelop myself with the hardness.

I wanted to lie down for a few minutes just so I could calm myself down, but I didn’t know where I could do that while at the office.

I thought I’d try to tackle this by going all “mind over matter” over my issue. I was thinking, “why are you so paranoid over so many small things?” “There is no need to worry!” “This is not that big of a deal, calm down!” “You can have a normal conversation with these people.” “It doesn’t have to be awkward!” “You won’t sound mean in the email!”

These thoughts kept running in my mind, and truth be told, it helped.

It was just a really weird experience to be in two states at the same time: panicking, and being “calm” about things.

I felt like my mind was detached from my body, that while my physical self was to the brink of crying, I was also by my side, trying to comfort me.

What I learned after

It lasted for almost 5 minutes, I think. And it was one of the longest 5 minutes I’ve had so far.

After that, I realized that my mind really can affect my body in ways I didn’t think I could do. I felt that the overthinking was really hurting me physically, aside from the mental toll it has on my mind.

It was a bit scary, but now I appreciate taking care of myself more. Now, I want to really set aside time for me to rest, to clear my mind, so I can start the day with a blank slate.

As for the anxiety issues, I kind of want to get this checked, because it’s been worrying me for a few months now, and my episodes just get worse. I don’t know where to go, though, and I don’t have the funds or means to do so yet.

For now, I’ll just stick with keeping myself sane by writing my thoughts out, and just keep myself moving.

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personal, thoughts

June things, and thinking of writing again

I keep saying “I want to write, I want to write,” yet I never really commit. I could probably keep up after a few weeks, but I don’t think I’ll last a few months.

I guess the saying goes, “try and try until you succeed?”

Here I am, trying again.

To be honest, it would be easy for me to write about things that happen my life every week or so, since I like sharing random things that I’ve encountered or experienced to people. (If you follow my personal Twitter account, you’d know that I tweet almost everyday.)

But the dilemma I keep facing when I think about making my own personal blog is that I’m afraid I’ll either:

  • Say too much, or
  • Not say anything interesting.

I’m afraid of sharing too many things because I feel like not everyone in my life would appreciate being talked about in a blog post (?), or that I might say something I’m not supposed to, or I’ll put my life out in the open too much. Y’know, privacy and all.

I’m also worried of not really saying anything that’s interesting to people.

But then again, this is my effort for myself… I guess I don’t really have to worry about that last point as much.

But there, I’ve laid them out, and I also have some things planned—that I hope I finish, I swear to God I hope I finish an actual Personal Project™ for once—so there’s that.

A not-so definitive list of things I have planned:

  • starting that webcomic I’ve had in my mind since last year
  • making an app that tracks my daily transactions and helps me budget my money
  • writing tutorials on simple website creations
  • sharing random daily musings

Just laying it out here now. I hope something comes out of this.

Hope you’re enjoying the (long) weekend!

Chi ;

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personal, shorts, thoughts

Listening to old songs and unearthing old memories.

As I’m writing this sentence, I’m listening to Ang Bandang Shirley’s Nakauwi Na.

As I listen to this, I remember my commutes back when we still had summer sem in college. The feeling attached to it is mostly melancholic, as I was alone during these months, back in 2013.

I also am a bit surprised that I don’t have a particular “crush” associated with this song. Usually I have one. But for this song, it’s just… the feeling.

I guess during that time, even though I had crushes, and I was going through certain things, I never really got attached to anyone yet. I was just going through the motions, letting life take me wherever.

Even though the song talks about coming home, the song makes me think more of exploration.

Now Di Na Babalik by the same band is playing. This was also one of the songs I kept listening to during those, shall I say, lonely times. It’s still the same though—instead of having a person’s face appear when I listen to this intently, I get more enveloped in a feeling. Again, a melancholic feeling.

These were the days when I was on my own, when I’d take advantage of moments as they came. These songs remind me of those little memory snippets saved in my mind.

I had the urge to share these thoughts as soon as I started playing music. But now I’ll go back to what I was doing.

Thanks for reading!

Chi :)

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poems, thoughts

the pattern

Remember
the reason why
you would leave behind
a loved one
because you saw
someone
you thought was better
you thought was more
than what you already had
the time spent with one
has nothing to do with
the time spent with the other
it gave you life
for a short period of time
while you had some strife
with the one already in your life
you thought it was good
to move on to the other,
thought it was for the best
you weren’t that bothered
if you’d regret it in the future
you don’t think you really meant
hurting them, you weren’t too sure
if it was the right way to go

but also remember,
you don’t have to do it all over again
the path may exist, been passed many times
but that doesn’t mean you have to go
again.

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personal, shorts, thoughts

Time to actually get started on things.

I told myself that by 2017, I’ll start pushing myself a bit more to actually work on the projects I have in mind. Most of which were things I wanted to do back in 2016, but I think the real reason why I didn’t really start them was because I was lazy. I’d reason out that it’s because I have too much work or my emotions are getting the better of me—but to be honest I want to have that checked out also—but I know it’s also because I was just… not moving. I only liked the idea that I worked on it, but never really wanted to start.

But now I do. And it feels kind of “forced” because “It’s the New Year, new year, new things to do! I can do this” etc etc. But despite that thought at the back of my mind, I’ll just do it. Whatever happens. And even if I don’t start as soon as possible, I’ll just keep a mental note all the time… I have to do this. I have to at least try.

I guess if I do make up some New Year’s Resolution for 2017, it’s to at least try to finish a project. I know I can start on them, that’s easy for me. But to finish a personal project? That rarely happens.

That’s my challenge for myself this year. And for the years to come if I don’t manage to get it done this year.

That’s all for now. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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personal, shorts, thoughts

Plans for December + New Phone!

First off, I was planning on doing what was done in this Medium article every day this month, but because of work, I might have to just reduce that to “do something like this when you have the time. Do at least 10 of these.” Plus, I don’t have a sketchpad ready for these kinds of things—I’d rather not mix these with my personal sketches—so there’s that, too.

Either way, I’ll post them here when I have the time, and I will set some time aside for it. I want to see what I can create by doing this method of “seeing”. :)

Another update for me is that I got a new phone last Tuesday! It’s a OnePlus 3. I got it from KimstorePH. :D

The experience has been great so far! Although this is coming from someone who owned an O+ 8.91 for around 4 years, maybe? (Wow, it’s been that long?) It’s refreshing to use a new phone, and one that I think will last long with me. ^_^ I hope I can create some apps by testing it with this phone.

I just wanted to share a bit of my life here again. I normally do that online via Twitter, but there’s a different feeling when you write things down in a semi-orderly manner. Hehe. I also want to keep updating this blog of mine, for I think it’s good practice when it comes to forming coherent sentences and getting points across. I know I need to hone those skills.

That’s it for now. Until next time! Hopefully I post some kind of sketch or update :)

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poems

(unwanted) feelings

night time
I’m fast asleep
Or i want to, at least
I want some peace
And quiet, please
Then they come
Here they come
They come quietly
Slowly creeping in
Slowly creeping in
Slowly creeping in
I don’t want it
Slowly creeping in
I don’t want this
Slowly creeping
Don’t want you
Slowly
Don’t
Slowly
Don’t
Stop
They don’t stop
They don’t stop
They don’t
Stop
Stop
Stop it
I don’t want it
Go away
Go away
Go
Go
Go
Slowly creeping in
It hurts
It hurts
I don’t want it
I don’t want this
I don’t want
You
Slowly recede back
Hidden from sight
No more, I say
The calm has returned
I have peace
And quiet, at least
Now, go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
You’ll forget this
In the morning

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