Association

There are days when I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t see any worth. I see only a reflection of what is.

During those moments, I am most vulnerable. I feel the most vulnerable.

During those moments, I succumb to the darkness. I wish for isolation. To be only with myself, to not be around anyone else.

During those moments, I would instead think of the people who were around me. I would imagine them in my mind, and that would be enough sometimes.

During those moments, I am by myself. But I am not alone. I don’t feel alone. I have them in my mind.

That is probably why I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. It reminds me that I am only with myself, and no one else. That no matter how many people I think of, the truth still remains:

I am alone.

But I need to accept that. Being alone isn’t bad. Being alone is simply being by myself.

There is nothing more to it. There shouldn’t be any more to it.

The only reason things become bad is when I myself attach those kinds of emotions to them. The only reason why being alone feels so bad is because I long for the company of others, yet I also want to be my true self in front of them.

I do not want to act around them. I do not want to have to hide anything. I want to be me. And I want to do all the things I want to do.

That may be selfish of me, which is probably why I will still be alone. Maybe for a few more years.

And maybe being alone will still make me feel bad,

until I learn to accept otherwise.